insights this January

I've noticed how I've been avoiding writing. Parang nakakatamad. But, at the same time, I've had so many insights the past two weeks I've wanted to write. I guess, I've just been caught up with all these experiences that I haven't found time to settle down and recollect my thoughts. In reality, I feel a wee bit jealous with my younger sister for being able to write her insights so well that she inspires or moves people who read her blog.

It seems that part of me is scared to bare my intimate thoughts and emotions. Although, I'm very open and sincere, sometimes I fear getting hurt or rejected. It's like when I share, I give part of me to a person. Hehe, might seem like I'm thinking too much but that's just how I feel. I hesitate. I've formed preconceived notions about things that hinders me from being the best I can be.

I appreciate the insights from my flute teacher. She's really my mentor. This week, during our lesson, she was aligning me to her ideals as a flute teacher. She noted how I blew the flute with abrupt pauses in between, that I seem to hesitate. "Kung tutugtog ka, todo bigay mo. If you make a mistake, just continue and finish it. Then play again." she coached me. I told her that I was afraid to blow so much because it might go higher. Baka pumiyok ako. I've always thought that when the wind goes out of my lip fast and full of force, the note will go higher. She told me that it wasn't the case, that in fact, you need power to reach the lower notes. You've had preconceived notions already that you need to remove or else you really won't make it. "Kung palagay mo pipiyok ka palagi kapag may power, yun talaga mangyayari. You have to remove that." She told me how I've improved in controling my diagphragm but all the air would be put to waste if I don't blow it with power. And, so I did. It was amazing. I played way louder than the first few times I did. It had more heart. I felt more free. I'm learning.

I've always thought of myself as someone who had a good sense of self-esteem. Not to sound cocky but I know I'm smart, beautiful and kind. But, I realized that at the back of my mind, I might have been downplaying myself for some time now especially when I hesitate. I remember realizing before that my laziness and procrastination stems from my not wanting to put my whole heart into something for fear of getting hurt or disappointed. I see people being getting depressed when all their efforts into something or with a relationship doesn't work out the way they hoped it would. It's quite discouraging. When,at the other hand,some people are so lucky to get things that they didn't even work hard for like me. =p I think I'm a very blessed person. Even if I pass late, I still get good grades. Even if I don't give my best, I still get through things I need to do.

Hm, I'm in the process of honestly undergoing a paradigm shift.

I've realized I've banked too much on blessings and divine intervention to get through things when in fact, I've been blessed already with tools to make things better, to do my best.

Deciding to teach after college, has definitely been a big step to taking risks and trusting my heart. I've had so much introspection and I've grown so much. From just thinking about it to realizing that it needs work. I've realized that once you decide to do something that you're passionate about, you should give it your best. This does not mean that you won't make mistakes. It means you give your whole self into that endeavor. Todo bigay katulad nga ng sabi ni Ma'am Dottie. I've realized, that in fact, the major mistakes I've committed in teaching have been mistakes that stem from preconceived notions and hesitation. Pumipiyok ako kasi iniisip ko na pipiyok ako. I don't get to shine as a teacher because I hesitate giving my best. I should trust my intuition more and find a balance between that and my rational side.

This is really fitting for this month's insights:

A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frighten us.
We ask ourselves. "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people whon't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to manifest the glort of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us.
It's in everyone.
As we let our own light shine,
we unconcsciously give other people permission to do so.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others